Insert clever ["nobody cares, but I'm going to tell you what I'm doing anyway"] update here:
My mission to locate a baby seal to club is failing.
There is a fine line between being tan and looking like you rolled in Doritos.
Washington can't have dinosaurs. They're too big and there are way too many trees.
Not a clever quote but definitely a good idea to go to this site.
Picture a carnival. Creepy, dirty, chaotic and all together, not fun. Now picture that same carnival, with the same dudes in the rented clown costumes. Same cheesy rides kids have been puking on for the better part of a century. Same dust covered, wind-blown, overpriced cotton candy. Only now, you’re on some weird sauce shit you got from a homeless dude on Venice Beach, even though you’ve never been to California. That’s pretty much where all of this is going. It exists, obviously, but not for any good reason and none of it makes much sense.
You think you've never been here, but let’s face it, no one really knows, especially you.
In response to the previous post (and quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read)
Comments: : I understand you have a constipated unicorn. I may have a solution. There is a land in a far away corner of the planet Mars where midgets ride peg-legged elephants and the air smells of popcorn farts. It is a vile land, indeed, but at the edge of this land is a tiny village of miniature, talking goats. They can't spell to save their lives, but they have been charged with the duty of protecting the Caterpillar5000. This contraption was built by Martians in ancient times to provide an endless source of glittery food for unicorns who shit butterflies to grant true love to the nonbelievers. shun the nonbeliever. The Rover mission is, in fact, a mission to recover these caterpillars and return a supply to Earth before all love is lost. (Imagine a giant diamond in the sky being covered in ropes by an evil queen with big, red 80's hair). It's like that. So. If you head to the desert on the first full moon of August, you will find the fuel for your unicorn to once again shit butterflies. Godspeed.
Company: : Dirtbag Couture
A Date, A Time and a place I don't know
Considering it's been forever and a day (because that extra day really does matter) that I posted here, I'm over adding dates. A lot has changed between here and that eternity plus 24 hours. Nothing exciting to anyone but me, but nonetheless fantastic. I've managed to find not only the man of my dreams but someone crazy (or dumb) enough to put up with me for the rest of his. A person's ability to go through the ups and downs of my so-called existence is worth keeping, and never letting go. I haven't seen it all but I can tell you I've seen some of the worst the dating world has to offer and up until the beginning of this year, I was totally over it. It's not about having faith in people, or keeping on believing (sorry Journey) or seeing your glass half full. It's about living your life the way you want to live. If it doesn't work, make it work or move on. If it doesn't make you happy, you're either a grump or you're doing it wrong. I didn't set out to find this person, but rather he was delivered to me via a unicorn dancing on a rainbow, eating glitter and shitting butterflies. Since meeting this person, my life has changed completely upside down, which if any of you know me, is not a good thing. Order is how I roll but I've been having so much fun in my complete and utter chaos that I can't imagine it any other way. I wish everyone the same happiness I have found and truly think you can find it (unless you're totally whacked).
It's nearing the end of what could possibly the longest and worst year of my life. I'm happy to start a new year in just a few short months with high hopes of good things to come. I really should know better than to do this to myself but I do anyway. Positive thinking has gotten me nowhere so many times it's a wonder I bother, but it's worth a shot. I'm happy to announce Dirtbag Couture is doing fabulous!! Shirts are flying out of the shop and new designs are coming regularly. I will soon venture on a trip to Washington to hunt the elusive blacktail deer, hopefully with more success than that of the whitetail hunt. A new painting has been posted to the site which I encourage you to check out in order to get a very unclear and mildly fuzzy idea of what I do for a paycheck (it's of an underground miner).
I once read a letter that was written to August. In the letter, the author plead with August to stay and not to leave until after April could come back. I would normally throw my arms up in protest at the thought of not allowing September to come so I could go hunting. However, I was thinking about writing August a letter of my own. I would dare it to stay throughout the year, telling Fall to stay home and smacking Winter in the face with an iron fist. Make it realize that no one really likes how cold and dark it is all the time. Sure, there's plenty of fun activities such as snowboarding, ice fishing, snowmobiling, shoveling snow, scraping ice covered windows, paying a ginormous gas bill all the while freezing your ass off in your own home. Ya, Winter is a real peach. Screw you Winter, and if your miserable personality isn't bad enough, then you have to add Christmas to the mix. I'm no Scrooge, don't get me wrong, I like the holidays and spending time with family, but seriously, the shennannigans are getting out of control. So, August, if you could stay for just a few more months or even a couple weeks, I and many others would greatly appreciate it.
So, I've been awake for, let's see, it's 9 now, woke up at 1, 1 to 1 is 24, 1 to 9 is 8, 8 and 24 is . . . [trail off into neverland while trying to write clever words, watch a movie and follow three different text conversations] . . . shit. Well, let's all agree I've been up for a minute. I'm not going to waste the time to explain why I've been avoiding the backs of my eyelids for so long because really, it's not that exciting and more importantly, nobody cares. Let's just say, or pretend maybe, that I've been up for X amount of hours because I've been on a witch hunt for green mushrooms with white polka dots. You know the kind. If I found one, or even a whole herd of them, I don't remember but I'm thinking I must have because I'm still here. Awake. Somewhat functioning. Yup, one up for me.